Permission to Disappoint: Escaping the People-Pleasing Trap
Why breaking free from people pleasing isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your peace, purpose, and personal growth.
People pleasing is often mistaken for simple kindness or being easygoing. After all, who doesn’t want to be liked, helpful, or dependable? But there’s a difference between being thoughtful and sacrificing your needs, identity, or mental health to keep others happy. At its core, people pleasing is the act of consistently putting others’ comfort, desires, and opinions ahead of your own—often at your own expense. For some, this habit is so deeply ingrained that it feels automatic, even necessary for survival. In this issue of AIMing Between The Lines, we’ll explore what people pleasing really means, why it shows up in our lives, how it can both help and harm us, and—most importantly—how we can start to let go of this exhausting pattern and reclaim our sense of self.
What Does It Mean to People Please?
People pleasing is more than just being “nice.” It’s a behavior pattern rooted in a fear of rejection, conflict, or disapproval. People pleasers often say “yes” when they want to say “no,” agree when they actually disagree, and apologize for things that aren’t their fault. This behavior can stem from many places: perhaps someone grew up in a home where love or safety felt conditional—where staying quiet, being helpful, or avoiding conflict was the only way to feel secure. In these cases, people pleasing becomes a learned survival skill.
Over time, this coping mechanism becomes part of one’s identity. You may feel responsible for how others feel, believing it’s your job to make sure no one is ever disappointed or upset with you. You might also struggle with self-worth, tying your value to how well you can serve or support others. People pleasing can be subtle—like overexplaining your boundaries, always offering to help even when you’re exhausted, or avoiding difficult conversations out of fear of upsetting someone. It’s not about compassion—it’s about control, safety, and avoiding emotional discomfort.
How Can People Pleasing Help or Hurt You?
At first glance, people pleasing seems to come with a lot of social perks. You’re likely well-liked. People describe you as dependable, considerate, or "the one they can count on." In professional or social settings, this can help you maintain a sense of harmony. Saying “yes” all the time can also temporarily reduce anxiety or guilt—it helps you avoid awkward moments, conflict, or the discomfort of disappointing someone.
However, the downside is that these benefits are temporary and often superficial. Underneath the surface, people pleasing tends to erode your mental health, self-esteem, and relationships. When you constantly prioritize others’ needs over your own, you begin to lose touch with what you actually want or need. You might feel exhausted from overextending yourself or feel resentful when others don’t seem to reciprocate the same effort. Over time, chronic people pleasing can lead to emotional burnout, anxiety, and even depression. You may find yourself feeling invisible, unappreciated, or misunderstood—and yet unable to stop the cycle.
People pleasing can also create imbalanced relationships. When your connection to others is based on saying “yes” or being overly agreeable, those relationships often lack true depth. You’re showing up as a curated version of yourself, not the real you. According to Dr. Julie Smith, a clinical psychologist and author of Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before?, “People pleasing is often a trauma response—where we try to stay emotionally safe by controlling how others feel about us. But that safety is an illusion if it costs us our authenticity.” In other words, when we chronically people please, we trade short-term validation for long-term dissatisfaction and disconnection.
Photo by Tangerine Newt on Unsplash
How Do You Begin to Let Go of People Pleasing?
Overcoming people pleasing isn’t about becoming selfish—it’s about becoming whole. It starts with self-awareness. Begin by paying attention to your inner reactions. Do you feel guilty saying no? Do you say “yes” just to avoid conflict or awkwardness? Start noticing the situations where your actions don’t match your true feelings. You might even keep a journal to track these moments and reflect on your motivations. Awareness is the first step to breaking any habit.
Next, practice identifying your own needs. Many chronic people pleasers have become so focused on others that they’ve lost touch with what they want. Take time to ask yourself: What do I need right now? What matters to me? What do I actually want to say or do in this situation? Learning to check in with yourself can feel awkward at first, but it’s crucial for rebuilding self-trust and confidence.
Then comes the tough but transformative part: setting boundaries. This doesn’t mean becoming rigid or cold. It means learning to say “no” without guilt and “yes” with intention. Boundaries protect your time, energy, and emotional well-being. They are an act of self-respect. Start small by declining requests that you truly don’t have capacity for. Practice boundary-setting statements like:
If guilt creeps in (which it often does), remind yourself: someone else’s disappointment does not mean you’ve done something wrong. You are not responsible for managing others’ reactions to your truth.
Finally, don’t be afraid to seek support. Working with a therapist, coach, or joining a support group can help you untangle the deeper reasons behind your people-pleasing habits. It can also be helpful to surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. As you begin to show up more authentically, you’ll start to attract healthier, more reciprocal relationships.
Final Thoughts: From Pleasing Others to Honoring Yourself
People pleasing is often rooted in a desire to belong, be loved, or feel safe. And in many ways, it’s a skill that helped you survive certain environments. But as you grow and evolve, that old survival strategy may begin to feel more like a cage than a comfort. The truth is: you don’t have to earn your worth by bending over backward for others. You are enough, as you are.
Letting go of people pleasing is not about becoming unkind or disconnected—it’s about becoming more honest, more present, and more whole. It’s about learning that your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. And it’s about understanding that saying “no” is not a betrayal—it’s a boundary that makes room for your “yes” to be real, powerful, and rooted in truth.
Sources:
Smith, Julie. Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before? HarperOne, 2022.
Brown, Brené. The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing, 2010.
Ackerman, Courtney E. “What Is People-Pleasing and How to Stop It.” PositivePsychology.com, 2021.