Polished but Drained: The Perfectionism Behind Neurodivergent Masking
When High-Functioning Hides Deep Struggles
For many neurodivergent individuals, masking is an ingrained survival strategy—one that can feel as necessary as breathing. Masking refers to the conscious or unconscious effort to suppress or hide neurodivergent traits in order to fit into a neurotypical world. These traits may include repetitive movements, differences in communication style, emotional expression, or sensory sensitivities. While this adaptation may help individuals navigate social and professional environments more seamlessly, it comes at a steep emotional and psychological cost that is often overlooked by society at large.
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The practice of masking is not a simple behavioral choice but rather a deeply embedded coping mechanism developed over time. From a young age, many neurodivergent individuals receive subtle or overt messages that their natural behaviors are unacceptable or problematic. These messages can come from parents, teachers, peers, or the media, all reinforcing the idea that in order to be accepted, one must appear "normal." As a result, masking becomes a way to reduce social friction and avoid negative consequences, such as bullying, exclusion, or punishment. Yet, this constant suppression can create a disconnect between one’s internal experience and outward expression, leading to chronic stress and emotional fatigue.
Neurodivergent masking often begins in childhood, long before a formal diagnosis or even a conscious understanding of neurodiversity. Many autistic individuals, for example, learn to mimic social cues, suppress stimming behaviors like hand-flapping or rocking, and force eye contact to avoid standing out (Hull et al., 2017). These behaviors may be instinctively modified to fit in with peers or in response to adult correction. Children with ADHD may expend tremendous energy suppressing impulsivity or hyperactivity, adhering to rigid organizational systems, or forcing themselves to sit still and remain focused in ways that feel unnatural and unsustainable. These efforts are often misunderstood as compliance or improvement, when in reality, they represent a significant internal struggle. The burden of maintaining this facade can set the stage for lifelong patterns of overcompensation and self-denial.
While these efforts may help individuals avoid judgment, exclusion, or punitive measures, they often lead to significant emotional, mental, and physical consequences. Over time, the effort to continuously mask can drain an individual’s cognitive and emotional resources, leading to what many describe as burnout—a state of complete exhaustion that affects all aspects of life. This kind of burnout is not resolved with a nap or a vacation; it is deeply rooted in the chronic stress of self-suppression and hypervigilance. The individual must constantly monitor their own behaviors, analyze social situations in real-time, and adapt quickly to avoid negative feedback. It is an exhausting performance that leaves little room for spontaneity, creativity, or authentic self-expression.
The emotional toll of masking is profound and well-documented. Studies have linked masking to an increased risk of burnout, depression, anxiety, and identity erosion. The chronic stress of constantly monitoring behavior, scripting social interactions, and second-guessing oneself can be mentally and emotionally draining (Mandy, 2019). Many neurodivergent individuals report feeling as though they are living a double life—one where they must constantly suppress their true selves to be accepted by others. This dissonance between internal reality and external presentation can lead to feelings of isolation, self-doubt, and even suicidal ideation in severe cases (Cage et al., 2018). The emotional impact is further compounded when individuals feel that their efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated, reinforcing a sense of invisibility and unworthiness.
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One of the most devastating consequences of masking is the loss of authenticity. When an individual suppresses their natural way of thinking, speaking, and behaving to meet societal expectations, they may struggle to understand their true identity. Over time, this can result in low self-esteem, imposter syndrome, and a deep sense of disconnection from oneself. The person may begin to question who they really are, especially if they have spent years or even decades molding themselves to fit into environments that don’t reflect their true needs and values. In professional settings, masking can lead to perfectionism and overcompensation, often causing burnout as neurodivergent individuals push themselves beyond their natural limits to maintain appearances. These patterns can also limit career advancement and job satisfaction, as individuals may avoid opportunities that require additional social performance or fear exposure of their true selves.
The impact of masking extends beyond the individual—it affects relationships, career satisfaction, and overall well-being. Many neurodivergent adults describe feeling unseen or misunderstood by friends, family, and colleagues. Because they work so hard to appear neurotypical, others may not recognize their struggles or validate their needs. This can lead to a lack of appropriate support, as well as a sense of emotional isolation. The effort to conform can leave little energy for genuine social connection, making it difficult to establish and maintain meaningful relationships. In romantic and familial relationships, this can result in emotional distance, miscommunication, and unmet needs. The cycle of masking and misunderstanding can reinforce a deep sense of loneliness and self-isolation, making it harder for neurodivergent individuals to seek help or advocate for themselves.
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Breaking free from the burden of masking requires systemic change and self-acceptance. Society must move toward greater inclusion and understanding of neurodivergent experiences. This includes challenging stereotypes, providing neurodiversity education, and fostering environments where differences are not just tolerated but valued. Workplaces, schools, and social environments should prioritize psychological safety, allowing individuals to express their authentic selves without fear of discrimination or judgment. Simple accommodations, flexible expectations, and empathetic communication can go a long way in reducing the need to mask. Additionally, self-advocacy and community support are essential. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can be life-changing, providing validation, encouragement, and a sense of belonging.
Ultimately, the cost of masking is too high a price to pay for acceptance. True inclusivity means allowing individuals to exist as they are, without the need to hide, adjust, or camouflage their neurodivergent traits. By fostering a world where authenticity is celebrated, we can begin to alleviate the emotional toll of masking and create a society where neurodivergent individuals thrive, not just survive. This shift requires collective effort and compassion, but the reward is a richer, more diverse, and truly inclusive community for all.
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References:
Cage, E., Di Monaco, J., & Newell, V. (2018). Experiences of autism acceptance and mental health in autistic adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 48(2), 473-484.
Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). "Putting on my best normal": Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519-2534.
Mandy, W. (2019). Social camouflaging in autism: Is it time to lose the mask? Autism, 23(8), 1879-1881.